My freaky neighbor lost his mind!

While sitting at dinner a couple of weeks ago I was startled to hear the crashing of glass coming from the living room. When I went in to investigate I found my front window shattered and a gold ball bouncing about with impunity. As I stood there wondering what was going on I heard a loud thump on the front door.

I opened the door and saw my neighbor standing on his lawn, golf club in hand, lining up to smack another one at my house. Fortunately he wasn't a very good golfer. This one went over the house and bounced off the roof.

I stood there for a moment, completely perplexed. I yelled at the guy to knock that crap off. He shot me the finger.

I went inside and called the police. I told them what had happened. The guy on the phone told me that since it was on private property there was nothing they could do... damn! While on the phone two more golf balls struck my house.

I went to the garage and unpacked an old college project. I had designed and made a multi shot potato cannon which fired eight spuds a minute about 300 feet. I grabbed my stock of potatoes from the kitchen and went to the front yard, cannon and ammo in hand. I set the cannon up on my porch and aimed it at my neighbors place. In the time it took me to set it up my neighbor had hit two more golf balls at my house, one of which busted a sweet terra cotta pot. I yelled at him again to stop. Again, he flipped me off.

I started firing potatoes at his place. I had superior firepower both in terms of available numbers of attacks and accuracy. Within three minutes he had no intact windows or potted plants remaining in the front of his house. He continued to make erratic golf shots at my house, doing a bit of damage, terrorizing...

By now the other neighbors had come to see what was going on. Many of them sided with him, saying I was disproportionately inflicting damage. Some sided with me as I stated I would stop firing potatoes into his house when he stopped hitting golf balls at mine.

He stated he would only stop hitting golf balls at my house after I moved, as I had no right to live there...

I have a right to live there, and to defend my property.

We are still swapping salvos today...